New Technique Alert: Internalization (Opanayiko)

We humans are super used to seeing everything from one side, our own, and that makes us blind (well at least it makes us half blind, which may be more dangerous than fully blind where at least we know we can’t see…). This semi blindness reinforces the idea that our beliefs, our actions, the great ‘I’ is exceptional…it traps us. Fortunately, the Buddha did us all a solid and gave us the crazy ninja tool of internalizing; in so doing he  made the path and the ultimate achievement of that path doable for us normal folk. In essence internalizing is taking a thing, a situation, a story, the behaviors or circumstances of someone else, and turning it inwards to ourselves. To use it, we just need to ask the deceptively simple question,  “how am I like whatever I am seeing? Have I ever done this thing? Have I ever been in this spot?.”

The power of internalizing is that we can start seeing the other side (as in, not the usual me me me side). Internalization is like a mirror that shows us our ordinariness, our frailty, that we aren’t immune from the characteristics of this world (impermanence) and we aren’t always the heroes of the story. Internalization can cue us into the possible feelings/suffering of others, and to the times we may be contributing to that suffering   It can help us iterate through possible roles, identities, outcomes and more quickly free us from our desires to play them out in real life.  Basically, internalization is like kryptonite to our egos… You have actually seen it already in a number of these blogs: When have I ever “overeaten” like Sue (smoking)?, when have I mooched like Sandy? When has my body been subject to decay like the phone? So without further ado.. A tale of internalization versus being judgemental and how this crazy witch started seeing the witchy side of my crazy 😉

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I’m up at the hotsprings resort and there are a bunch of hippies sitting on the grass out front having a drum circle. I catch myself thinking, “damn dirty hippies, being all hippyish”. Immediately I think, “damn judgy Alana, being so judgemental” (I begin the process of internalizing..instead of looking at the hippies I start pointing the spotlight on me).

Here is the weird part —  I used to be a hippy, well I dressed the part, and did the free love thing, even if I did prefer to shower everyday.  But now, that I have changed I criticize those hippies, “with their fake peace, harmony, mumbo-jumbo commune crap”. It’s just like with Sandy, I have to say that, I have to make them bad so I am good. I have to validate my identity, my way of living. I need to justify my life, my choices, the changes I have made to myself, by making those other folks (who I used to be just like) the villains.  After all, I have to be the hero of my own story and how do I define a hero in the absence of some villains.

It’s not just that I was judgmental, or that my judgment had an agenda; I had already started seeing that with Sandy. But here, I started to see the mechanics of my judgements more clearly. I came to notice that in many cases, my harshest judgement was reserved for folks who I used to be like in the past (the hippies). Or people with traits I see some of in myself, traits which cause me self-doubt and shame. For example, with Sandy one of the things that annoyed me the most was her not having a real job and mooching. But I have a pretty easy job next to my husband who basically supports me financially. And I feel super self-conscious about it. I constantly make-up stories about why I “deserve” his support, why I’m unlike Sandy who should pick-up her own tab once in awhile.

More examples popped into my head; just that morning I had judged the day-use people (versus the sleepover people) for being too rowdy, for not really relaxing like us long termers…of course, on my last hot springs visit I had been a day use person. I was so annoyed with the folks talking loudly in the pools, but the night before I had called-out to my husband near the pools because I couldn’t find him in the dark. I am critical of people who dress poorly even though there are plenty of days that I can’t seem to get out of yoga pants. I am critical of people who are know-it-alls, even though I am often the first one with my hand up in a class, I think women that respond to men’s catcalls are either idiots or whores or both, even though I used to give-out my number to anyone who asked just to make myself feel sexy, special….

The more examples that came to me, i.e., the more I internalized, the more I saw that I am so not the good guy here…or at least, I am equally as bad guy as the villains, at least some of the time. Plus I am so arbitrary; I create values that constantly change, based on circumstances, need, based on the identities I want to create . Then I go and apply them to other people. I judge. Here is the truth though — I can’t even fulfill my own expectations all the time, even I can’t live-up to my values, my rules, so how can I go judging other people when they can’t live-up to them either? I judge the hippies for being too loose, too sexually free, but I was like that just a few years ago. I judge Sandy for mooching, but I do it all the time. I judge the day use folks, even though I was a day user in the past and may well be again in the future; after all many circumstances, like if there are cabins free to book, are totally out of my control. Being loud by the pool is ok if I have a good reason, searching for my husband, but a deep offense when other folks do it for their own reasons. Everyone should dress well, look buttoned-up, as long as it’s not so well it puts me to shame…

I wish I could say that this put an end to my judginess (which seriously is such a pain, a constant monolog of criticism and dissatisfaction in my head) but that would be a lie. Still it was an important starting place, a foundation for later contemplations. By asking, “have I ever done this? Been this way?” I went a little way towards dulling my criticism, diminishing my sense of self, of absolute rightness and I  empathized a bit with the folks I was so eager to villainize.  Moreover, seeing the why of my judgment, seeing my sad and desperate need to preserve my sense of identity, seeing the origin of my criteria (myself, not some great being on high) and my own inability meet them, it gave me a glimpse of the fictional story I told myself about who I am and about who other people are. It softened me, a little anyway…after all who’s really being the crazy witch with all these criteria and judgments?