The Prelude: In general, my practice is to sorta put one foot in front of the other and trudge along my path. But, I have found that sometimes it helps to look-up and look around. To reflect on the distance I have come and to make sure I’m still headed along the right path.  The look back — the wohhh something has actually changed in my heart (and much later in my practice  I started noticing change in my relationships, behaviors, etc.) moment — is so awesomely motivating (albeit sometimes kinda humbling). After all, why bother with a practice that doesn’t help change me, that doesn’t move me along to where I want to be?

As far as looking to make sure I  haven’t wandered from the trail, well that was actually one of my greatest fears in the early years of my practice (I have since come to notice my own internal compass and come to trust it).  I have asked Mae Yo the same question about it like 1,000 times — how will I know if my practice goes off the rails? Goes totally south? Gets sooo off track I’m screwed forever? (My favorite version of this question, “is it like a videogame where you need to hit certain save points, like the flag in Mario 1, or all your progress is lost?” Answer FYI –no Alana, you keep your progress even if you don’t get the flag. Wisdom apparently has more staying power than Mr. Mario).

Of the many answers she has given me, two have really stuck. 1) You will know, just like you knew that your viewpoints in the past were wrong and caused you suffering, and how you know now that your viewpoints are right and balanced. 2) Lessing ego is a sign of correct practice (years latter and many blogs from now, was an aha moment of just why this one is true…but for a while I just took Mae Yo’s word for it).

To some degree, this sort of reflection is a bit automatic. Fast thoughts that check-in or note differences with how I saw things in the past to now, or to see if the same wrong-views re-arise in similar situations. Once in awhile however I do a full halt to really consider. The entry that follows, is one such ‘halt’ and occurred shortly after the story from the last blog, Judge this you Crazy Witch (July 2013). In my notebook it was titled “Something’s Changed: How I Feel Now”  and I will just go ahead and rewrite it here. Do note, that though I feel a bit discouraged by my past behaviors in the entry, the clarity and change was something I found heartening. Also note, the natural (tiny little) decrease in ego that this entry implies. Without further ado….

The Entry:

I have been suspecting something changed after I started seeing the way that I set conditions (the sponge, the kale), the way I seed this life and then suffer because of it.   

How I feel now:

1. Disillusioned: I feel a little more disillusioned with life.I see more clearly the suffering built into the fabric of life. I want out with greater resolve. I see even the things I want or like are tinged with suffering or its potential. My stuffed closet makes it hard to find something to wear in the morning. Travel plans bring stress, or $ concern, or friction between Eric and I to make decisions.
2. Less Picky: I’m starting to feel a little less diehard about particular decision/preferences. If Eric wants a particular trip, restaurant, thing, fine. It’s not like I have no preferences, but I feel a little less rigid. These conditions, they make things so hard. Why have I been so darn picky?
3. Less annoyed:  Noises, family, panhandlers feel a little less irritating to me. When I do get annoyed, like when someone cuts me off in traffic, I can catch it more quickly. I have learned to actively seek out the wrong views. To instinctively ask if this thing is about me? Needs to involve me? Needs to draw me in?
4. Sheepish:  I have been so judgemental…I am embarrassed. It’s ridiculous the way I have applied my own, arbitrary, and often not even doable by myself, standards to others. I don’t even tell them about these standards, I don’t give them a chance to live up to them or fail. I just snap judge. I am so harsh.
5. Clarity: I feel like I have peaked inside the watch casing a bit. Like I am starting to see how gears move. I used to aspire for the wisdom to see right view from wrong and the forbearance to choose right action (later note: I always wanted to be a good Alana, act like a good Alana). Now though, I’m starting to suspect it’s not about forbearance, or will. With a right view as the base, right action can come. With a wrong view, what hope do I have for my actions…I have been foolish.  All the conditions we create, all the identities, relationships, judgements, it’s all so fragile…