A recap: In the last blog I described how I used a simple tool ( A is better than B, B is Better than A, etc.) to begin considering some of  the wrong views I held about my mom, particularly in comparison to my dad. I came to see that I had built an ‘image/memory’  of my mom that was based on my biases (of what characteristics are most valuable), in service of my agenda (to hero-ize my dad and I). I had selectively remembered certain stories and traits and used them to paint a very one dimensional (one-sided, i.e. wrong view) mom.

Today’s episode: So how do I start imagining/remembering a 2-sided mom? How do I get to the middle way? By gathering evidence of course! Since I had stored-up so much negative evidence, I decided it would be helpful for me to try and really consider some stories from my life in which mom played the hero. I began an exercise (1 day) in which, after each bite of food, I would recall something positive about my mom.  Note, the choice to think while chewing was totally arbitrary, this is not some kind of sacred ritual or anything; I just wanted to use a physical que that would help me remember to do my homework.

Here are just a few of my memories:

• When I was sick with the chicken pox my mom took care of me. I remember her watching tv with me, drawing me oatmeal baths and giving me ice cream
• When I broke-up with my first boyfriend my mom was there for me. I remember sitting and  sobbing in my bed as my mom gently rocked me and assured me that there would be other boys
• My mom stayed-up all night with me helping me to my science fair project the night before it was due. She ran all over town getting me the materials I needed and helped me set everything up
• When I failed 4th grade math, my mom managed to get the Miami school board to agree to letting me have a private tutor at my camp in South Carolina instead of having to stay home and go to summer school. She made the arrangements with the school, tutor and the camp, all so I wouldn’t have to miss out on summer fun
• I wanted to be in girl scouts as a kid, but there was no troop leader, so my mom signed-up to become a leader so we could have scouts at my school
• When I started having sex with my first boyfriend I told my Mom. Without any judgement, nagging or comment, she took my to the Dr. to get on birth control and get advice on how to stay safe
• There was a super popular toy I wanted for Hanukkah one year, my mom must have driven everywhere because it was all sold out.
• When I went broke backpacking in Europe, my mom wired me money
• I was really picked-on a lot in middle school. My mom knew how painful it was for me to get-up and go in the morning. She would often take me to get hot chocolate before school to try and cheer me up and give me encouragement for my day.
• As a child I never missed a doctor or dentist appointment. My mom made sure I had every vaccine on time, I got any medicine I needed. Now, as an adult I see how hard it is to stay on top of all these life details and realize what an effort it must have been for my mom to keep my brother and I healthy
• My mom was always finding enrichment activities for my brother and I. She took us to museums, theatre and classes. I so fondly remember that she would take us down to the Miami River and we would feed the manatees there.
• My mom, a science teacher, would volunteer to come to my school every year and, for free, give a hands-on science class to all the kids

These are really just a few examples, the list, obviously went on and on ( otherwise I would have had a very hungry day). But as I was listing, I saw my mom through fresh, teary, eyes. Seriously, if the list were about someone else’s mom,  I would say this is a hero of a parent, certainly not a villain.  Really,  there are so many kids in the world whose parents don’t even give them the basics — food, shelter, healthcare, education — my mom really went above and beyond. So where was my gratitude?  

Wrong views are such a tricky thing…my bias made me ignore so much of the mom good stuff, and the more I ignored/forgot, the stronger my bias became. But as I started gathering the evidence, coming to middle, my heart began to soften. I felt myself grow less defensive, more open and so so grateful. I found a 2 dimensional mom I lost so long ago. And my mom, as one more of her gifts, gave me the chance to understand the value of gratitude. Gratitude that can make me softer, more yielding. Gratitude that can make me  less ME ME ME.

Thanks Mom, for everything!