As a recap: This blog is a continuation of the last in which I discovered gratitude for my mom after re-considering my memories of her. It was an exercise in which I made an effort to recall Mom’s good qualities as an antidote to my previous perspective which was to focus on negatives only.

With my heart all mushysoft with gratitude for my mom, a troubling question came to mind — How do I pay her back? I mean really, this is a woman, who despite any flaws and failures, birthed me, raised me, cared for me, went above and beyond the basics to give me the best life possible. How exactly do I pay that debt? Can I?

In a perfect straight forward, one sided world, it should be easy; maybe I could just do everything I possibly can to make Mom happy from now on. But this is the real world, it is not perfect, it is nuanced and, it always has two sides (another way to look at this is the same response is not always appropriate in every situation, that’s one characteristic of impermanence)…The truth of this world is sometimes my mom wants things that are impossible, that are more than I can give, that change so fast I can’t keep-up. She wants me to visit more than time, money or my marriage might allow. She wants me to  follow her religious path when I have my own. You guys get the point here, it’s not so easy to figure out the right balance, the right give versus hold, the middle way.

This issue had been weighing my mind for a few weeks when I got a call.  It was my brother, “Mom is in the hospital, routine procedure went awry, hop the next flight because the docs aren’t sure she will make it through the night.”

I walked into the hospital and it was clear, at least for that moment, Mom’s role and mine had changed. Now it was my turn to help care for her, comfort her, to talk to the doctors, to help get her water and food, to take her to the bathroom when she needed to go. I was happy to help, happy for the chance to give back (though not for the circumstances), but suddenly a deeper, much more subtle thought was taking shape: In just one lifetime the roles can switch so quickly. The boons, the slights, we deal each other keep shifting. Can I really track the score, over countless lifetimes, so that I can volley back every tit and tat?

In the end, what I can do, what I need to do, is my best. I need to honestly evaluate my heart and determine my duty for the situation at hand. I need to do it not for anyone else, but for me, so that I can rest at night with my own heart (ie I don’t build karma I need to repay). And no, this is not an easy answer. It is not a clear prescriptive action plan to pay back all debt. It’s also a work in progress, a moving target, something I am learning to do as I go. But…I am aware.

Present Day Alana says:  Mom eventually made a full recovery (this story was back in Aug. 2014) and she was just out visiting me to celebrate our birthdays (Aug. 2017). I went to meet her one morning and, stressed about a work email I had just received, I snapped at her. I spoke harshly, I forgot that she flew out to see me, was choosing to spend her birthday with me. But quickly I caught my mistake.  I realized I had failed in my duty, I had done wrong in the situation. I apologized and tried harder, to do better. Maybe one of these days I’ll get so fast I can catch these mistakes before I make them…