Don’t worry, no need to stress, this isn’t a cliff hanger story. Sure, I took a wayward path, but I assure you we are still on topic…Why do I always chose A?
As I was sitting in the forest I had a thought, the reason Eric and I stressed so much about the job choice, and then ultimately chose A is simple — we believe we are better than those trees, that we can preserve, control, that this choice of ours was somehow determinate of our future, finances, careers. That it was all on us. B had a moment of being tempting because I thought I was ready to change style, get rid of that old hippy shirt and redefine myself with a new story. A change, yes, but one of my own design. In fact, the only reason I even noticed the A A A A always A pattern was that for one moment in time B tempted me…
After the retreat Eric got more troubling, drama-y, news from F.U.ber that again awakened my exhaustion with A and got me wondering if we should have chosen B. In that moment I was so upset and then it hit me — I was upset because I really believed there was a “right choice” that with just enough information or clarity I could pick it . I imagined an outcome that was all sunshine and rainbows if I could just control enough to get there. In truth, option “A” and “B” both have pros and cons. I select based on my biases (3s and 4s) for what I believe the pros and cons will be (imagination) . I know there will be suffering, but I still think I can hedge, I can control the amount, the duration, the nature of the suffering as a variety I can bear. Plus, it keeps my options open for the future. Based on these biases and beliefs I keep choosing A, but as I come to see the suffering involved I think that maybe another option, like “B”, would be better.
Seeing the deeper issue and the perils — Again, I was just sort of struck by the fact that my choosing “A” or ” B” (or any other letter/option) was just like this game we played on retreat. We, as a group, pretended to be a child of a father who rapes us and to really see the suffering. Finally, we convinced ourselves that being born to a father who rapes us isn’t worth it and it will cut us off from that birth (option A) but we may still get “B”, life with a single Mom. Or “C”, life as an orphan. In a nutshell, I keep choosing A because I haven’t yet convinced myself that the drama, stress, and sacrifice of this particular A life just isn’t worth it.
My deeper problem is that I still have hope that I can calibrate my decisions to get what I want with minimal and acceptable downside. Basically, my hope/desire that I can control, at least control enough to make it worthwhile, means even if I tire of one option I will continue to try others (super perilous). The whole trick to avoiding any crappy birth is to avoid birth altogether and that requires seeing the truth that all births have dissatisfaction. Afterall, even in a life as charmed, successful and comfortable as my own –a life of A A A — I will eventually get tired and want B. Maybe, if I really can see this, I don’t have to try every life, every option, I don’t have to turn over every card before I get up and leave the table. Maybe, I can just quit the rebirths that keep arising in service of my imaginary specialness …