This blog is a direct continuation of the last, Thoughts on Being Entitled Part 1, if you have not yet read that blog please go back and do so now before reading onward. Thoughts on Being Entitled Part 1 was from an email I sent to Neecha, in this blog I will share her response and some of my further thoughts.
Neecha’s Response:
It’s a crazy, complex cycle. I think that we carry a strong foundation of memory over from previous lifetimes, and we build upon it in each lifetime. There’s the whole nature vs nurture element, too. Some things we learn from our culture, our communities, those we admire. But we don’t pick up on all things. Our brand of personality is drawn towards certain things and repulsed by others, but not always. In this way, our identities are very complex, always changing. However, one thing tends to stay the same- we put ourselves first (even when it seems we are sacrificing, we are advancing the view that we are good or we are better than those who can’t make the sacrifice). We are obsessed with self preservation, whether it’s our perceived belongings and comfort, or the person we see ourselves as.
So what can we do about it? Identify the Tuk tok pie (suffering) inherent in the root personalities we are trying to preserve, dig up all the good and bad that stem from this personality, and don’t let it dictate how we live our lives anymore.
Alana’s Final Reply/Thoughts:
This topic keeps growing for me but I have a sense I’m on the right track. I notice that all my big ah-ha moments start when I see that the way I have been thinking about something is so illogical its just ridiculous…
Kinda like this: All this judgement, which stems from me, is a way I try to give order and make sense of the world. It helps me feel safe because it means I can create rules, follow my own rules and therefore deserve a cookie at the end for being awesome (or I give myself a pass by changing the rules mid course, or I explain away all the times I get crap instead of cookies as random, or someone else’s fault, or stuff that needs a redo). This takes place only in my mind though totally removed from reality. In reality, things are sometimes “messier then acceptable” and the world keeps turning. People I deem unworthy get cookies and people I deem worthy get crap. There are actually rules that govern this world — the 3 characteristics and karma — and they really don’t need any interjection from me at all.
Meanwhile, as a result of all this story telling, I end up with a personality that is harsh and judgmental. The suffering is clear and honestly it’s not how I want to live anymore. It takes so much mental and emotional energy to constantly judge…it hurts me and it hurts my relationships. Plus, it’s the seed of vengeance; this idea that it’s somehow my job to uphold rules and order, it keeping me tethered to so much. Now thought I’m starting to see this for what it is, a trap that I can start trying to avoid by being aware of its mechanics, by noticing it and not just accepting it but thinking through when I feel harshness arise, by noticing the TTP.