I am the youngest in the family. And with that came certain sufferings that no other family members had. When it was time to take out the trash, wash the car, or do some other chores, I was the one that got asked  to do it since no one else – who was younger than me – I could order around. After a while, I got really tiring and decided to refuse those chores. However, there were times when I refused and was told that I was being a bad son or bad brother. So, I decided to do the chores because being a bad person is bad. I wanted to be a good person. Several times I got into this situation and I always decided to do the chores because that was what a good person would do.

Similar situations occur when I was in high school. Whenever my friends asked if they could copy my homework, I said no. But whenever they said that I was being a bad friend, I did not want that. So, I allowed my friends to copy the homework.

Time and time again, whenever I connect the actions of “helping” as being good and “not helping” as being bad, that’s when I automatically decided to be helpful.

Another proof was when I worked in a company as a web developer. Sometimes a co-worker came to my desk asked for my help on why her computer could not connect to the internet. That was not on my job requirement. But in my mind, if I did not help her, then I was a bad co-worker. So, I decided to help her. Once the problem was resolved, she told the other co-workers that I was a good person and decided to share her opinion with other people in the office. And she told everybody that Erwin was a miracle worker that can fix anything. “Just go to Erwin whenever you have problem with computer”, she announced. Soon, the company had an Internet connection breakdown. And guess who was the one the CEO called…? “What happened to the Internet…? Can you take a look?”… CEO said. Trying to be a good employee, I jumped from my seat and decided to trouble shoot the network setup in the company. First, I was hired as a web developer who did not have any background in Networking. Second, a better solution would be to call the Internet Service Provider to check it out. But no, I was trying to be a good person. Let me handle it.

Soon, these occurrences got the best of me. I got really tired and in several occasions I just blew up with anger because I knew that at some of those occurrences, I did not have to say yes. I did not have to agree. I was not the best person to handle it. But… I said yes, I agreed, I did it because I wanted to be that “good person”.

At a retreat conducted by KPYUSA several years ago, I was walking down a path of the property taking my personal time. I came across an old fire truck. I looked at it, observed it and gave an opinion about it:

If I were me looking at this old fire truck, will I say that the fire truck is in good or bad condition?
It is in bad condition. Because I saw the paint was peeled off, the window was broken, the tires were broken, some part were rusty. It was just bad beyond repair.

But now, if I were a mechanic who knows how to fix a truck, will I say that the fire truck in good or bad condition?
It probably is in a better condition than what I said earlier, because I knew how to fix a truck in the past. I knew how to re-paint, fix the window, replace the tires, but probably had to do more research on the type of engine needed to get it up and running. It is after all a fire truck, not any truck that I fixed in the past.

This time, let me be a mechanic who had fixed a fire truck in the past. Will I say that the fire truck is in good or bad condition? I may say that the truck is in good condition because I know how and what to fix. I know what type of engine it is, where to get it, how to install it. I know how to operate it once it is fixed. And, I know how to improve it as needed.

Then, I realized that I was like that fire truck!

Each individual has her own standard and value of what’s good or bad. Even if I helped them, even if I do the effort, it is not guaranteed that I will get recognition of being a good person that I so desire. Even if I do get the recognition of being good at one thing, it usually comes at the expense of I being bad in something else.

As an example – there was one time when I decided to take out the trash thinking that I would get recognition of being a good and responsible house holder in keeping the house clean. However, my friend told me that it was such a waste to just throw away the plastic bag with garbage that was half full. In that moment, I was being a good house holder but at the expense of not being a good and environmental-friendly citizen who preferred to use as less plastic bag as possible.

Another example was when I tried to give a way a car from opposite direction who needed to cut my lane in order to enter a parking lot. I was being a good drive to the driver of that car. But, am I being a good driver then to the drivers behind me, especially when it was a busy and crowded lane? No!

In all of those past cases – for example the one where I tried to be a good co-worker by fixing a colleague’s computer. I did that using the time that I could use to finish up the tasks given to me. And when it was time for me to submit my work, I had to rush and not being extra careful in my programming code that it created bugs or errors. Thus, I became a bad employee.

And many other cases where I started to realize that there was this constant conflict of I doing good – but also at the same time – bad.

I realized that it was an unrealistic goal to strive to be good according to each and every person I met. I suffered all this time. It was time for me to let that impossible goal go.