During my daily doom-scrolling of terrible world news, and troubling medical studies, an article had popped into my feed talking about a new study establishing the link between walking speed and longevity. A few days later, Eric and I were out for a hike –I was rearing to go for an uphill sprint, Eric however was, as usual, ambling along at a snail’s pace. Recalling the recent article I had read about longevity and walking speed, a pang of dread pierced my heart…was this here evidence of Eric’s impending, untimely demise? Thinking I could prompt Eric along at a  more vigorous pace, I, trying to sound all casual, mentioned the article to him as we walked. Eric was suddenly livid, he was gaining speed alright, but only to get ahead, and away from, me. It wasn’t exactly the outcome I had hoped for…

Later, in the car, when he had calmed down, Eric told me he was so angry and hurt because he felt like I was trying to manipulate him, using the fear of death to get him to walk at a pace I preferred. The truth, in my heart of hearts,  was that I was just worried about him. Afterall, my modus operandi is paranoid fear, I worry constantly about signs my health and life are on the wane. Of course I look for the same in Eric — next to my own life, his is most important to me.

But Eric read my bringing up the study as manipulative because he was already feeling manipulation by his bosses at work. He read it through the lens of his experiences not through mine. It made me see a few things:

1) I count on my partner to prove I am loveworthy, special, good. Our loved ones, are the ones who agree with us, take our side, confirm us. Who we think see us for who we are and love us for it/in spite of it. This is a main mechanism for the puffing of self. But this story makes it clear, Eric doesn’t see me. Eric sees what he sees based on him, his experiences, his reading. If he can’t see me, how do I count on him to prove me? To legitimate and puff me?

2) Eric was so upset, to an extent I rarely see. It made me realize, this relationship, that I see as so stable and certain. It can end. Just one small change in circumstance. Something I don’t intend. Something I can’t even see coming can end us. It can collapse the relationship. Render moot all my imaginations of the future we will share together.

3) I always think, if I do everything ‘right’, I can protect myself. If I brush my teeth I can avoid the cavities. If I avoid people, and stay cloistered, I can keep from getting Covid. But what if what I see as ‘right’, like getting Eric to walk faster for his health, isn’t right to him? What if while trying to puff my ego –gain  praise as the good and caring wife — I destroy our relationship?  I create my own ‘justice system’ as long as I don’t slip-up I am safe. In trade I accept that just 1 day not brushing my teeth, just one mistake, and I am inviting the cavities to come. But does this world follow my ‘system of justice’? And besides, as this little walk in the woods story shows, who in this world can avoid all mistakes?

Mind you, I know damn well I can get cavities even if I do brush every day. Marriages can end for even a perfect, diligent, and dutiful, wife.  But at least then, I am “blameless”, it wasn’t my fault, it was the exception that got me. I don’t understand that I don’t control outcomes. Cavities come both to those who do and don’t brush. Wait long enough and all teeth will rot and decay. The same of course can be said of relationships.  A present day Alana (4/2023) also now sees that I don’t understand karma, that there is no such thing as being ‘blameless’, that all affects arise based on causes, and the causes I put in place have precisely the effect they warrant.  I have these strict views because I think I can make myself exceptional.  Alana of extreme will can be different than those derelict folks that run through life just inviting disaster. If I am strict enough, I can do better. Be better. Be in control.

But that is not how the world works. There are always countless factors. Circumstances that interplay. There are reasons I failed to brush as a kid. I discount those. There are reasons I have cavities that aren’t about brushing, after all my brother skipped brushing regularly, he, cavity free, got my dad’s perfect teeth and I seem to have gotten my mom’s soft enamel. I think I am better than cause and effect. I don’t control. And with Eric’s blow-up it is evidence again that even when I see myself as perfect, beyond reproach, bad things can ensue. Because my beliefs of unreproachable behavior are not the true arbiter of what is good or bad. My beliefs of the actions that will result in certain consequences are also not the arbiters of what will actually ensue.

The truth is, I have long wanted Eric to walk faster because I worry about his health. It is selfish, I want him alive for me. I have, as he accuses me of, tried to force him, looked at him disapprovingly when he dallies. He was willing to forgive me when I explained my motivations were worry for him. And I doubt he would have been so forgiving if he had remained convinced that my actions were just manipulation to get him to do what I want. But the truth is, both are about me. And I suspected he didn’t like my silent reproachment, or goading, or walking ahead. I did it anyway , selfishly, because I wanted an outcome of him to live longer. But the consequences of that selfish behavior made itself clear at the blow-up. At the threat of our relationship.

When my  mom presters me about not spending enough time with her, not calling enough,  she says she does it because she ‘cares’, loves me, wants to be with me. In her mind, her intention is pure. But I find her pestering annoying and over the years it has been one of the key forces in driving  me away. How is it different than with Eric. She has her reasons. I have my reasons too. Always. I don’t see that the more I try to force the world to my conditions and will, my range of acceptable, the more potentially problematic the consequences I create. Not just internally, with my own frustration and disappointment, but externally too, in my real world relationships and interactions.

Long have I wondered why my mom, repetitively seeing her tactics don’t work, make things worse, persists anyway. Now I see:  The core belief is so strong,  it is unquestionable. For Mom, the idea that love=more attention. For me, that love=concern about mortality. In either case, when the actions, that arise from our beliefs don’t bear the fruit we want, the assumption is:1) this is a corner case, a rare exception that proves nothing. 2) My intentions aren’t showing through in my behavior or the other person is being blind to them –must double down effort.  3) Some combo of 1 and 2 that if I just try harder again, thanks to my amazing control, it will work this time. Such irrationality arises only because the most obvious point to check, the beliefs, are too ingrained; we are blind to even consideration of checking them. Such confidence in our right view is destroying us and our relationships. Marching us toward more and more suffering as we wait around to die, rinse, repeat.