After my dad passed away, I took another 10-day meditation course the week after. I gave that 10-day everything I got left in me. Unfortunately, it didn’t solve my problem. The pain was still there. I was desperate so when my husband asked if I wanted to come back to Wat San Fran for the Dhamma discussion, I agreed.

I was born into a Buddhist family. My mother used to drag me every Sunday morning to the temple to listen to Dhamma class so the term “life is suffering” wasn’t unfamiliar to me. In the vipassana meditation I practiced, again, the term “life is suffering” was also very familiar. So when we were asked to identify sufferings around us as our Dhamma homework, I was like that shouldn’t be that difficult. But they said, really feel it, put yourself in their shoes, be that person. Hmm… sounds a bit odd but alright, let me try.

So I paid more attention around me trying to see what kind of sufferings were there. Then one day, I was standing in line in a grocery store. In front of me was a mother with a toddler sitting on the shopping cart. The toddler was facing me while his mother was writing a check. He started to fall asleep and hit his head against the shopping cart. He began crying. His mother was still writing a check, didn’t pay too much attention to him. It happened several times before the mother finally took care of him.

I looked over her cart and see all processed and canned food. I think she paid using food stamps as well. Then I remembered the homework and started to put myself in the toddler’s shoes. How painful is it? I’m very sleepy, this is past my nap time but my mother is busy buying groceries. I want to sleep so badly but I have to be dependent on my mother and she’s not very reliable. And look at the food that she’s buying. Am I going to eat all that processed and canned food? Will be getting healthy food? What kind of life is she setting up for me? And now instead of getting a bed, I hit my head and it hurts. I wish I could just walk away and drive myself home so I can take a nap.

That’s interesting. I never knew this technique before. I feel really bad for that toddler. I guess it is true, life is indeed suffering. But, how is it different than what I’ve learned from other Buddhist teachings in the past?

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Edit: this was my old contemplation. The current me would add that aside of only feeling bad for the toddler, I would also think how much suffering it is to be the mom. If I were the mom, I would want to provide the best for my child. But how can I do that while I can’t take care of my own things? I don’t make enough money so I have to rely on food stamps. I want to give my son fresh and healthy food but if I do that, I might not be able to make rent, or buy clothes for him, or pay for gas to go to work. He might be better off had I given him up for adoption. But how can I be sure that he wouldn’t get abused?

 Also, from the bystander point of view, it felt very awkward for me to stand behind them, watch everything, and not knowing what to do or what to say. If I said something, would it offend her? If I didn’t say anything, I felt bad for the toddler and worried if I was wrong and should’ve said something.

To say it was only the toddler who was suffering isn’t enough. Everyone involved there was suffering in their own way. I’m usually biased to the victim and quickly blame the person who I think should’ve known and done better. However, by practicing this way, I’m training myself to see the situation more fairly from as many different angles as possible.

 It doesn’t mean that I think the mom was right and she did nothing wrong. In their case, I can’t say yes or no since I don’t know their story 100% and it really doesn’t bring me any benefit to say who was wrong at that time.

You know the famous saying, A smart man learns from his mistakes. A wise one learns from the mistakes of others.

So to learn from their situation, if I were the mom, I would probably pay more attention to the son. I’m not perfect, but if there is a way I can do better as a mom, I would do the best I can.