At the first KPY retreat I went, we played a game called 20 questions. The way it goes is, 1 person chooses a physical item around the area. The other players can ask up to 20 questions to find out what the item is. The least questions you ask to find the item, the better.
After playing this game, the teacher said that we can also use this technique to help our contemplation. Often times when we ask a big question such as “Why was I not happy?”, it is so difficult to find out the answer because there could easily be more than 1000 possibilities. These 20 questions can help narrowing things down.
During our personal time, I tried to contemplate on my father’s death. It had only been 4 months since my dad’s passing and I was still very sad whenever I remembered him. And it didn’t make sense to me because I had practiced meditation for several years, I was no stranger to Buddhism and how life is suffering and how everybody dies eventually. But why was I so sad about losing my dad? What is it to me? Frankly, I was getting sick of feeling miserable all the time too so I decided to work on it and see if I could find some answers.
Using the 20 questions technique, I asked myself:
- Am I sad all the time?
It comes and goes. - When was the last time I was sad?
When I spoke to that lady this afternoon. - Did I feel sad the whole conversation?
I was fine when we first started talking. - When did I start feeling sad?
When I talked about my dad. - Was it the whole time I talked about him that I became sad?
I don’t think so. - Was it the beginning?
No, I think I was still okay. - Was it the middle?
Yeah, it was probably in the middle of the conversation. - What was I talking about?
How we were very close. How I grew up with him. How he was the only one who never asked anything from me.
OMG!
At that point, I felt something hit a nerve real hard. I couldn’t stop crying. I thought that the reason why I was so sad was because I couldn’t see him again but the real reason was because I felt that he was the only one who loved me.
The only person in this earth who loved me died.
I had no one else in this world.
He was all I had and he was gone.
I had no one else.
I was away from the crowd at that time so I let myself cry for a good amount of time until I felt relieved. It felt like a lot of weight had been lifted off my shoulder. When I brought this up to the teachers and they told me that finding the cause was only half of the work. I still had to solve it.
I had thought that he was the only one who loved me. This was not true for couple reasons I can think of. First, there is no way to know 100% whether or not if my dad loved me. I could only interpret his feelings based on what I could see. But those were my interpretations only, it wasn’t necessarily the fact.
Second, I have a husband. How can I be so sure that my husband doesn’t love me at all? To put up with all my craziness, I think it’s fair enough to assume he somewhat loves me 😉 I also have a mom. And she cares about me in her own way. I have a brother. He lives far away from me but I think he cares about me.
Third, how about my best friends who are like brothers and sisters to me already? They helped me a lot when I was in need. Didn’t it somewhat show that they (highly likely to) like me and care about me?
So I came up with an idea that my dad was the only one who loved me and then I searched for any evidence that supported that idea but left out the ones that contradicted it. It wasn’t right. I was wrong. After I thought about it, I felt a lot better. And after further contemplation, I realized that the reason I was so angry when he passed away was because I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. Why didn’t he wait a little bit since I already had the ticket back home? But what if he waited?
Would it be better for me?
Maybe. At least I get to see him first. And then what? I wouldn’t be sad when he passed away if I had seen him? Nah I’d still be sad. And then what will happen to me if I got stuck there and couldn’t come back here? I wouldn’t be too thrilled either!
Would it be better for him?
Most likely not. He was in a lot of pain. Extending his life most likely mean extending his pain and suffering. For what? Just for me to see him? Am I really that selfish that I only care about my own happiness without even thinking about the ramifications of my happiness on him? I can’t do that to him.
Having much more knowledge about the situation, I definitely felt a lot better and could see that getting my wish might still make me feel unhappy and maybe, not having my wish could have been somewhat good for him too.