I’m preparing for the 2013 retreat and I get a brilliant idea — solar powered shower.  See, back in 2012 I had to take a few cold showers and I was none too pleased. So, I decided this year I would be prepared; I would bring one of those camping showers that had solar panels to heat the water. No more cold showers for me!!

I did all my research, read reviews, picked-out the best product. Then, with weeks of time left before the retreat, I placed my order with Amazon. When it arrived, I checked it out, tested for holes or leaks, made sure the panel worked. When it came time to drive-up to the retreat, I packed it safely in my car. I was ready.

Freakish, unseasonal thunderstorms. That’s what we got at the 2013 retreat. Days and days and days of no sunshine at all. So much for a solar powered shower…

I did all the “right” things, I researched a good product, I ordered it in time, I remembered to pack it, I packed it well so it didn’t break. Plus I was being a good Alana, a super-tree-huggy-power-saving-eco-lover that all the gods should bless ;).  But then it rained. I took the experience to heart, used it as evidence to see the limitations of my control. That  control, it got me a product, got me up the mountain with it, gave me the illusion I was managing the situation, but the weather showed me that my control is clearly not the last word. The lesson: my control is partial. But still my control is real, right? I’m in control of some things, that must be true right? Ok, my control as limited… I can work with that.

And now for a later day addition to this story: Fast forward 3 years to several weeks ago (Aug 2016). I order a box on Amazon,  I selected the product, choose the 3 day shipping window, clicked buy. 3 days later, no package. It said it was coming, there was no warning anything had gone wrong, but on that 3rd day, the sun rose and the sun set and I still had no package. WTF???

Seriously, I know I can’t control the weather … but Amazon it’s so dependable, it always sends packages, I did all the right things, WTF???

As I stare at the screen of my computer trying to figure out what exactly to do about the package now…I realize, my control is not limited.  It doesn’t exist at all.  If I were really in control, I would be in control all the time —  that is the nature of control (it means I am the one that causes, that I can override any other causes, that something is totally part of my volition, my will). If I control my car there will never be that one accident, if I control my body there will never be that weight gain, if I control my packages there will never be one that goes missing. It’s like being pregnant, you are or your not, its binary, that’s the nature of pregnancy. It’s not like there can be a little pregnant, limited pregnancy…that’s not how it works.

So what’s really happening here? Where is my mistaken view of control arising from?  I observe patterns, I remember that an Amazon 3 day has come countless times before and I assume I’m somehow the cause, or at least a partial cause (ie if I order 3 days, pay my prime membership, click the right button,  I’ll get the box). I click the button I get a box, I click the button I get a box, I click the button I get a box, I click the button I get a box –it must be my clicking the button that causes the box!

I have a permanent thought (wrong view) that what has happened before/what I imagine is how things really are/will be. Or that if it’s not, I can intervene, I can call the post office, get a new package sent, do something to MAKE IT HAPPEN. I insert my big fat self into the mix and think I’m the ‘cause’. I want to think that, need to think it, to lend credibility to my specialness. To believe the world is a safe place all buttoned-up, in which I have some measure of control.

The truth however is that the box’s arrival depends on its own set of rules. Sure, my desire for the package may plant the seed. But a seed, after being planted, grows based on soil, water, light, so many factors independent of the the farmer. The Amazon box also has countless factors that go into getting it to my door, the seller, the shipper, the product, the mail, the road system, and many more…all of these beyond me, beyond my control. How then can I say one input, clicking the button (desiring something),  that sometimes does and sometimes doesn’t work, is control? And how do I fail to notice that by ordering the box, thinking full well it would come, wanting it, needing it to come, I planted a second seed, a shadow seed — the seed of my disappointment when it doesn’t come. The seed of my effort to intervene, to call the post office, to try and get a new item, to hope again for the box and subject myself to potential disappointment all over again if it still does not come.  

How many more times will I make this same mistake? For how much longer will I tell myself fairy tales about Alana the center and master of the universe who has warm showers and packages revolve around me? I don’t know. But I do know there is a third seed that has been planted, the seed of truth. Understanding is starting to take root. The world is clearly telling me its nature, my nature. I just need to gather the evidence, to listen,  to learn to believe.