When my dad passed away, the pain was so unbearable I’d do anything to not feel it. Since I practiced meditation, I wanted to go to the meditation course right away. There was one course starting in a week but with a LONG wait list (which usually means I most likely wouldn’t get a space). With teary eyes, I wrote them a note that my father had just passed away and I really needed to go. Within 24 hours, I was confirmed a seat. I was very grateful for that and determined to make the best of the 10 torturous days ahead. And I did. And it didn’t work as I had hoped it would.
When I came back to the temple after that, I mentioned to the teachers that I went to the meditation course. Usually, when I tell any Buddhist teachers or practitioners that I meditate, the response has always been positive. That’s great. Good for you. Great job!
This time, however, I didn’t get that reaction this time. Instead, I was told that meditation made people numb.
Numb? What are they talking about?
I tried to explain that meditation didn’t make me numb; it made me more aware. So much more aware that I could feel the blood running through my veins. I could feel it when anger started to rise, I could feel my breath, I could feel so many things I never noticed before. What do you mean meditation makes me numb?? I don’t get it.
So for the next 4-5 months, I kept “checking” with the teachers. I called that checking, but they said I was arguing 😀
Whenever they discussed anything, I felt (seriously, I genuinely felt) that we were or should be on the same page. The results from both practices looked the same to me. So I said it was the same, they said no. What?
Not too long after the first KPY retreat, I was chatting with my mom. She was talking about the issue she was having with my brother. At the end of her long message, she said, oh well, what else can I do. It is what it is. Having children is indeed suffering.
Her words hit me so hard I had to stop what I was doing. I got up and started to understand what the teachers meant by numb.
It’s not that numb means I don’t feel anything. Numb means you gave up. The pain that you feel, it is still painful and yes, you feel it. Yet you think, realizing that it is painful will make you feel better. So you’re okay with it. You’re okay feeling hurt, you’re fine living with the pain. You make it part of your life because it is what it is. You don’t mind it anymore.
And it worked for me too. Until the day it stopped working. I couldn’t find out how to be okay with losing my dad. I wanted to be okay so badly I promised myself I wouldn’t move during the meditation course and I didn’t move at all even though my body was so painful I thought I was going to pass out. In the end of the course, I still couldn’t find out how to be okay with the pain of losing a father.
Then everything started to make sense. For the first time in my life, despite being born and raised in a Buddhist family and even went to a Buddhist school for several years, I understood the meaning of Four Noble Truths. In a very simple terms:
- Life is suffering.
- Suffering has a cause.
- What is the cause.
- How to get out.
Previously, I didn’t know that there is a way to get out. I thought the point of Buddhist practice is to make peace with the fact that life is indeed suffering. But no, that’s only the first part. There is a way out! I don’t know about you but losing my dad was more than enough suffering for many lifetimes.
So should I be okay and welcome similar sufferings again? I think not.