When I was in college, I had to take an ethic class in order to graduate.  Business ethic was a tough class according to my friends who had taken it.  They told me (and my friends) to take another ethic class.  Easy A guaranteed.

So me and 2 more friends registered for the class.  I didn’t even bother reading what it was about until the first day in class (or second… I don’t know, it’s been a while).  All I could remember, we had to watch documentary videos about chicks getting beaking, factory farms, animal cruelty.  We also had to read a book (although I didn’t) about animal cruelty in factory farms.  It was like an ambush because I had no idea what an ethic class was supposed to talk about.  I finally learned that the class title was “Ethic: Animal Liberation.”  Well, DUH!

By the end of the quarter, I felt so guilty whenever I ate meat.  I couldn’t sleep at night when I ate meat because I felt so guilty.  I thought, fine, I’ll stop buying meat product and just finish the 2 cans of chicken soup I have in the pantry.  I ate one can.  Then I felt guilty and couldn’t sleep.  Screw it, I’m just gonna stop eating meat then.

So I stopped the very next day.  Cold turkey style.
My friend gave me 10 days.  I lasted 8.5 years.

For as long as I could remember, the reason I gave up meat was because I felt bad for the animals.  That was why I wasn’t so picky with my food.  Only have beef broccoli?  Sure, gimme the broccoli only.  I didn’t want to bother other people or make things more complicated.

And again… I was told I was wrong at this temple 🙁
And again… I couldn’t see why.  What is wrong with being compassionate?

Stealing is bad > don’t buy stolen items.
Killing is bad > don’t eat murdered items.

What am I missing here?

They said it’s not bad karma as long as you don’t kill it directly, didn’t hear it was killed for you, didn’t suspect it was killed for you.  But I didn’t care for collecting karma coins.  I wanted to understand why it was wrong to feel compassionate towards animals.

Then there were too many debates to list here so I’ll skip right through the point.

One and a half year later on a Visakha day, it was only me, Erwin, and Phra Anan at the temple.  Erwin and Phra Anan were discussing about how we basically do things for our own benefit, not others’.  I sat quietly listening to the conversation.  Erwin then asked about the story where Prince Siddharta helped a wounded goose that was shot by Devadata.  In that case, Prince Siddharta didn’t have to help the goose but he did it anyway.  Isn’t that because of his compassion for the goose?

I quickly drew parallel in my mind.  Yeah, I also didn’t have to give up meat.  I chose to give up meat because I felt bad and I am compassionate for the animals.

Phra Anan replied, what if Prince Siddharta didn’t help the goose?  What do you think he would feel?

I also asked myself, yeah, what if I didn’t give up meat, what would I feel?  Then I recalled my experience before I decided to give up meat completely.  I felt guilty and I couldn’t sleep.

Wait, what?
I couldn’t sleep.
Huh?
I COULDN’T SLEEP!
Whoa!!

So I gave up meat not because I felt bad for the animals… but because I couldn’t sleep?  Seriously?!
All these time, I thought I was this compassionate person who sacrificed eating meat because I’m so kind and thoughtful about the animals but really, in reality, it has nothing to do with the animals at all.  I just wanted to be able to sleep without feeling guilty and if that means no eating meat, then so be it.  The animals were just a tool for me to feel good about myself.

Wow…

Then I started thinking, do I think I’ll be fine if I ate meat today?
I think so.  It’s been a long time since I had meat but I can still recall the taste and I didn’t feel nauseous thinking about it.
I asked myself several times more just to be sure 😀

On the way home, I told Erwin what I had been thinking.  I told him I would be fine eating meat again.  I think he was in disbelief so he didn’t want to buy meat for dinner.

Then at home, he asked me again if I really thought I could start eating meat again.  I said yup.
Okay, he said, we’ll get fried chicken tomorrow.

We got Bonchon chicken the day after.  I can’t recall how many times, but he asked several times if I was sure I could eat meat.  He said he was worried that I would get sick (plus he never saw me ate meat before.  I was already a vegetarian when we met).  But nope, my first chicken meat in almost 9 years tasted just fine. No nausea, no nothing. Just a very tasty chicken wing.