When I heard one of my friends considered about moving out of the city, I asked him “is it really expensive to live in the city at the moment?”

Right away, he looked at me with an annoyed look and replied “why do you even ask that kind of question?” And the conversation ended with us being in an awkward situation.

That night, I thought about that very question I asked and realized that in asking that question I had assumption that the reason he considered of moving was because of living cost that he could no longer afford. I believed that he was in need of money and he was desperate. I believed that I was in a better position that him because I could still afford to live where I lived and that I made a good decision not to live in the city.

I was wrong because I assumed that he and I had the same situation. I applied my standard to his. I assumed what worked for me should also worked for him. So instead of finding out the true reason about him moving, I ended up making foolish judgment about his financial situation, a sensitive subject that could cost our friendship.

“Why do you want to move out of the city?” would be a better question in that situation. All I wanted was to find the reason why he considered moving.

However, as a Dhamma practitioner, I am taught to ask questions that will lead to contemplation for myself and not others. These types of questions will lead me to think more about me, my self and my belief.

Why did I assume him moving out because of financial issue? If someone else told me about moving out, will I assume the same thing? Probably yes. I kept hearing that living in the city became more and more expensive for a lot of people. I looked at the statistics that more people decided to move out because of living cost issue. That living in the city becomes impossible for anybody. Even I could not afford it. Moreover, I compared myself to him in terms of financial situation. I had a strong belief that I had better financial situation than him, judging from the type of careers, life styles and belongings that we both have and don’t have.

So, whenever my friend made a decision that supported my bias… right away I assumed it was because of money. Poor him. I could afford what he can’t. I was better than him. I could do more and had more options than him. The more I looked at myself this way, I realized I was becoming this ugly person that I despised. This bias led me to have this bad behavior towards others. No more would I wanted that.

Also, why do I care about his reason of moving out in the first place? After thinking about it, when asking the question to find out the reason, I already had expectation that he would say that he could no longer afford it. Thus, he had to leave. If he answered that, I would be happy because see I am right! If he answered something else, then I would not believe it. My mind would still wondered if he was telling the truth. The question was motivated by I was better than him, I had more money than him. I am the bully. I bullied him in a way that I have more wealth than him. It is so ugly… but it was the truth.

Realizing that I was the bully, I have to get out of it. I start thinking about how it was uncertain of why he planned to move out. I had move out from one city or state to another. And none of them were because of monetary issue. It was because of schools and work. I had met people moving because they like the new city better. Some moved because they wanted to be close to family. Some because of health issue. So, there were many reasons someone decided to move. My assumption that he decided to move out could most likely be false.

Now, what if my assumption was correct. He moved out because he could no longer afford living in the city. Why was it even related to I am better off than him? Did I know exactly his salary, his wealth, his assets? No. Did I know how much his spending were? No. Did I know the details of his financial situation? No. It could be that he made more money than I did and saved more money that I did, but he decided to move out to save even more money. It had nothing to do with my financial situation and wealth. I was the only one crazy enough to relate and compare his moving out to I was more wealthy than he was. The fact was I chose to live outside of the city in the first place and he chose to live in the city could be read as he had more wealth than I did. It was all my own thought, my own craziness.
Moreover, why did I want to be better than him? Why did I want to be better than anybody else? If I was better than anyone, then I felt good. I had more confidence in myself, that I did something right. I was smart in doing what I do. I was skillful. When I was smart, skillful and did something right, it means I could survive in this world much longer.

But none of these are certain. Having more skills and wealth do not mean I will survive much longer in this world. I can be sick any day. I can be be in an accident anytime. I have seen rich people died due to heart attack. I have seen people with skills dealing with animals died being bitten by the animals they tried to handle. I heard news that skilled magicians died because of the tricks he performed. I have also seen people with no obvious skills died for various reasons.

So, being wealthy and skillful don’t make me live longer in this world. It was only my own theory that I had developed many years by pick and choose stories and evidences that supported it. While in fact, people can die any time, wealthy or poor, skillful or not. Knowing this, there is no point in comparing myself to other people just because I wanted to feel better than them. Even if I could be better than anyone in this world, people might hate me, be jealous at me, or wanted to be my friends just because they wanted to take advantage of me.

What’s better for me at this point is to know who I am, what I am capable of and what I am not capable of. And from there, I can build the skills and wealth necessary for me to live sufficiently in this world.