We’ll begin this entry with a little civics lesson about the San Francisco jury selection process. Basically, everyone eligible to serve on a jury can be called on once a year. If summoned, you don’t necessarily need to go to court, you get place on stand-by. Each day you call in and see if you were selected to serve on the jury pool, if not, you simply need to call in the next day. If you make it a whole week without getting called in (woo hoo), you are free from jury service for another 12 months. Unless….

Back in late 2013, I got a jury summons. Each day I called-in praying my name would not get selected. Each day I was delighted by the news that I had been passed over for some other poor person who was wasting away their day sitting in court instead of me. By the end of the week I had avoided getting called and I was free for another year. Yipee!!!  Fast forward to Feb. 2014, I get a letter in the mail calling me to serve on  federal jury duty in Oakland. Apparently, folks who had served at a local court in the last 12 months were exempt; since I however had only been on stand-by, there was no way out of the federal jury summons. And, federal court is much worse than local, I had to go all the way to Oakland and cases tend to be much much longer…..

Suddenly, I was really wishing I had been called in back in 2013, if I had just done my service locally I  could have avoided the whole federal summons mess. That’s when it hit me, the very thing that brought me so much joy back in 2013 (not getting called for jury duty) was causing me so much regret just a few months later. I was so sure of what I wanted and then it changed so quickly. How much energy do I put into getting what I want? How much hope and worry, joy and sorrow, pierces my life based on these things? And then my desires can change so fast, they are so fickle, so mutable — is it worth it?

I thought about examples of this from my life:

• My husband got a job transfer and we were so so worried it would be the end of his career, something terrible. So much scheming and planning to avoid it and in the end it happened anyway. Turned-out to be a great move, better position, better work environment, more money, more career potential.
• I wanted to stay in Houston, my old town, so so much. I cried and screamed and pulled my hair when I found out we were leaving. Now I love San Francisco.
• I was so happy my neighborhood finally went to permit parking. I spent $250 on a sticker and then sold my car. I felt like I had wasted the money.  
• I was so excited to go on a trip to Kenya and then I got run down by a rhino–ouch.

Over and over again I throw my heart at a desire, I let desire be the line that connects the dots of my life, drags me from one point to another. Because I want some things and want to avoid others, my life is a constant roller coaster of highs and lows, joys and disappointments, sweet success of achievement and deep despair over loss.  But, how long does the desire, the thing I invested so much energy and hope in even last? Even if I get my desire, look how fragile it is —  a federal jury summons can transform a past victory (avoiding local jury duty) to a regret in the time it takes to open an envelope…

It is worth noting that before this contemplation I was already aware that I was the one who made the rules, decided what was desirable or undesirable in every circumstance/occasion (see http://alana.kpyusa.org/what-kind-of-a-throws-a-sponge-on-the-ground-in-this-beautiful-unspoiled-forest/). But I really thought that I knew what I wanted, that once I decided it stuck. Now I began to see the very things I want can change over time. It thew a new element of uncertainty, of impermanence into the mix. It further built the case that I am playing a game, that in the end I really can’t win…after all even a victory can turn into a defeat so fast.