Click here for My Mom and I part One:

It was the 2014 retreat and we were reviewing one of my favorite Dharma tools*, the one where you take 2 objects and compares them as follows:

• A is Better than B
• B is Better than A
• A and B are essentially the same, are they even worth comparing?
• A and B are so different from each other, are they worth comparing?

L.P. Anan decided to turn study into a game, a way to learn, speed-up thinking and have fun all at once. He was giving us topics to compare, As and Bs, and then giving us about a minute to come-up with as many comparison points as fast as possible. Over and over we got topics, keys are A water bottle is B, humans are A and dogs are B, Dad is A and Mom is B…and here is where my game got dead serious. My contemplation was as follows:

Dad is Better than Mom:

My dad and I were always close.  While, of course, we had our rough patches (what parent and child doesn’t) for the most part, in my eyes, my Dad could say and do almost no wrong. I loved him absolutely and I craved that love in return. To have my father’s approval was synonymous to being a Good Alana and his disappointment cast me to the depths of  Bad Alana hell.  Basically, from my earliest memories of him to my last, my dad was my hero.

Obviously, when LP called start, my hand could barely keep up with my mind listing all the ways my dad was better than my mom:

• Dad provided for the family
• Dad was more successful
• Dad was funnier
• Dad was easier going
• Dad was more interesting
• Dad was easier to talk to
• Dad was more fun to be around
• Dad took me to the arcade and to get smoothies
• Dad made me feel loved and safe
• Dad gave me more freedom
• Dad was more business-ey
• Dad trusted me more

Mom is Better than Dad

As I have mentioned in this blog before, my Mom and I didn’t always have the best relationship. I spent most of my childhood (and adult life) thinking she was the hard parent. My personal challenge. I spent so much time dwelling on her negative qualities that I didn’t give her any credit for the amazing qualities she has as well (2 sides).  When LP Anan called time, I was off to a slow start. But, as I started writing, my eyes started opening. These ‘better’ qualities of my Mom aren’t just things I admire, they are core reasons I was able to survive and grow and thrive and become the Alana I am today.  

• Mom took care of me when I was sick
• Mom was around more
• Mom tended to my education
• Mom is more tenacious
• Mom has more endurance
• Mom is more science-ey
• Mom helped create rules and structure at home
• Mom helped with my school projects
• Mom managed my daily life, school, activities, health, ect.
• Mom was more beautiful
• Mom fulfills her commitments

Dad and Mom are Essentially the Same:

• Dad and Mom are both my parents
• Dad and Mom were both there for me when I needed them — sometimes
• Dad and Mom both failed me when I needed them — sometimes
• Dad and Mom were each necessary to give me life
• Dad and Mom both loved me
• I love(ed) both Dad and Mom sometimes and hated both Dad and Mom sometimes
• Dad and Mom both protected me
• Dad and Mom both helped make me the person I am today
• Dad and Mom both worked hard
• Dad and Mom are both subject to impermanence

Dad and Mom are Totally Different:

• Dad is a man and Mom a woman
• Dad and Mom had totally different tasks, different responsibilities, they each gave me different things in life
• Dad and Mom were around at different times
• Dad and Mom had different upbringings
• Dad and Mom had different values
• Dad and Mom were good at diffrent things and bad at diffrent things
• Dad and Mom are each subject to their own karma ( their own causes)
• Dad and Mom will (have) each leave me at different times and in different ways

I sat back and read what I wrote and it dawned on me, I am always comparing my dad and mom, always pitting one against the other, always using what I see as my mom’s shortcomings to prop-up my perfect image of my dad, even now, as an adult, nearly a decade after his death. But seriously, can I really compare Dad and Mom? They are so similar and yet totally different from each other.  Logically they are incomparable, so why exactly am I comparing?

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks, every hero needs an anti-hero, a person whose contrasting villainy allows the hero’s awesomeness to shine. I wrote my dad as a  hero to my life’s story, his love proved my own worthiness, my own awesomeness was an extension of his. Naturally, I needed an anti hero to really sell the tale, so I cast my mom, my dad’s natural opposite, in the part.

The truth is, there are no heroes or  ant-heroes in this world. Each of us, my dad, my mom, me, we have 2 sides. We have good qualities and bad qualities, moments of awesomeness and moments of being total dicks. And this my friends was a moment I realized I had been a total dick, to my own mother, for over 30 years…

In service of myself, my agenda, my story, I gathered evidence of my Mom’s villainy and ignored her heroism. I ignored all she had done for me, all she had helped me become.  Even though both my parents played their roles, I chose the things my dad did and called them more valuable, simply based on my own biases and predisposition. My story of my parents was a twisted warped funhouse version of reality. And, my actions, of course, followed my views. But, the Dharma has the power to bring us to the middle (path) and here, as I saw my funhousy story for what it was, I knew it was time to review the evidence and rewrite a more honest, balanced story about my Mom. Stay tuned for how that story unfolds…

*For a more indepth explanation of this tool and how I have used it in my practice, you can see my blog titled, To-may-toe To-ma-toe, Po-tay-toe Po-ta-toe, Alana, Sandy