Many times in my daily life – after a long day of working hard, my mind keep saying that now I deserve a break. I have spent 7 hours of working, my body deserves a break.

Then, there was this occasion where I went on a hike. I walked for 4 miles non-stop and the final destination was just 0.5 miles ahead. But my feet were so tired that my mid kept saying that I deserved a break.

Another occasion, I was sick from an auto-immune disease called Psoriasis. Part of my skins were dry, red, flaky and itchy. It was quite an embarrassment to have it on my face, it was quite uncomfortable to have it on my head skin because it was itchy. To heal from it, I needed to go on a strict diet where all sugary foods need to be avoided and carb consumption was limited. It was hard, but I went through it. Six month later, the skins started to heal. The flaky spots started to diminished and the itchiness subsided. Then, my mind started to think that I deserved a break. I should go to a buffet restaurant. I deserved the reward.

If I looked back on every occasion where I said that I deserved a break, deserved a reward, what was really going on? I took the break, I took the reward, but what happened afterwards?

In the case of taking a break, sitting in a sofa and watch Netflix after 7 hour of working, other tasks that I needed to accomplished that day could not be completed. Kitchen was a mess. No dinner that I could eat since I did not cook and it was late at night already. Laundry was not done. The break that I took went on and on for hours since I kept saying “one more episode of Breaking Bad. I still have time to do something else later.”

In the case of 4.5-mile hike, I sat down for a moment. Then 15 minutes later, my body started to cool down and it was quite a struggle to finish the rest 0.5 mile to the destination. I started to think that I could’ve finished the hike first then rest later when everything is done.

In the case of strict diet from Psoriasis, I went and get myself a buffet. While the flaky and itchy did not really come back, the redness and dryness stayed on my skin for another 2 months. It was unclear if the buffet really did it, but now I could not really know for sure since I slacked of. Not only that, I was not completely heal so the strict diet was still needed. And oh man, how hard it was to go back to diet after all those buffet.

So the thought of “I deserve it, I deserve the reward” is not really a reward after all. It WAS good! But only for short period of time. But the disadvantages that come afterward lasted longer than the short good feeling that I got. It was not quite worth it.

Now, why did I do all those things in the first place? Why do I have to work 7 to 8 hours? Why did I hike? Why do I need to go on a diet? For what purpose? Do I really deserve anything? Is there anything I gain out of it? Check out the next blog.