Before we set sail to New York, Eric and I decided to go on a 3 week holiday to Europe. I planned every last detail, booked us in the nicest hotels, chose upgraded flight seats, researched the best activities and routs. With so much prepping, preparing and thoughtful packed I couldn’t imagine anything going wrong. But, its travel –its life–so of course, plenty did go wrong. Some stuff was just inconvenience, some funny missteps or misunderstandings. But there were a couple of incidents that made me so angry, so indignant, because the were simply NOT FAIR:

• Verizon — I had gone to Verizon and set-up an international phone plan before I left. But when we got to our first stop and I tried to use my phone, I realized that, contrary to what I was told at the Verizon store, my plan had not been set-up. I tried to get help online, but was unable. Ultimately I ended up having to call customer service, and pay international calling rates, to speak to a representative that could get my plan up and running. I was livid — it wasn’t my fault, and yet I had to pay just to fix a sales rep’s mistake. NOT FAIR!

•  Hotel  Booking — I had booked a room at a nice hotel in Malta and confirmed that the booking was all arranged and in good order before we left the US. I arrived at the hotel and they told me they had canceled my booking. No one new exactly why, however it happened. With a conference in town, the rates for their last remaining rooms had gone-up by nearly 2X. My choices were to book a more expensive room or leave and hope that, despite the conference, I could find another hotel room somewhere else. I felt extorted, I had prepared, done everything right, and yet here I was, and it was NOT FAIR!

• ‘Premium’ Airline Seats — For my flight home I booked ‘premium bulkhead seats’ with extra legroom in front. But, the airline had neglected to mention that the bulkhead area, though not technically an aisle, was the easiest way for the majority of passengers to go to and from the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, the flight attendants began to apologize. I soon learned why — every 2 minutes someone was stepping on my feet trying to get to the bathroom. There was an announcement that passengers should not use the bulkheads as an aisle. The flight attendants even tried blocking-off the ‘premium seats’ with luggage. But ultimately there was no way to stop the flow of passengers stepping on me for a 14 hour flight.  These were the seats I had paid extra for: It is so NOT FAIR.

What was supposed to be a relaxing vacation was punctuated by these moments of such intense stress and anger. In my darkest moments — as I waited on hold, paying by the minute, for Verizon, as I stared incredulously at the hotel clerk who told me my confirmed reservation had been canceled, as I was trampled by someone going to the bathroom just as I was about to nod off — I kept thinking, “Do you know who I am?”, “This is so not right!” ,”I’M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS.”

I had an expectation (permanent thought) of how things should go, of what I deserved based on my level of preparation or my payment. When it didn’t go as I expected I felt personally wronged, I felt angry and I wanted revenge for being made to feel small, unimportant and out of control. But is it really not right? Can it really be ‘not how things should be,’ when it is actually how things are?

I have a delusion about the way the word works –according to my standards. But clearly right according to Alana isn’t permanent and True; it’s not the rule that governs the world. I am here, born, I put myself on planes and in hotels, into this body and this life. I am the one that comes up with my own standards and I am the one that fools myself into believing those standards are absolute. Who else can be blamed for my disappointment, discontent? Who is worthy of my revenge other than I myself?