After about 2 month down in the dumps I finally decided to reach out to Neecha for some advice on how to deal with the extreme stress and sorrow of my new New York life. When I think back on it, I realize that her advice was some of the best anyone has ever given me. SPOILER ALERT –Impermanence, impermanence, impermanence, death, death, death.
Its funny because now, almost 3 years later, I see my hatred of New York fading and I can trace the reason for this reduced hatred to my Dharma contemplations: I have come to realize that all circumstances are temporary (on loan) and they don’t prove who I am. Had I understood that back when I moved, when I tried to make NY mine (or rather rejected it as ‘not mine’, i.e. a threat to myself/the identity I wanted to build) I would have suffered so much less. I would have made my loved ones suffer so much less. But, this is now. In the next two blogs I will share my exchanges with Neecha back then…
Alana’s Email to Neecha
Hey Neecha —
Happy New Year. I sure do hope this email finds you, and your Mom, well.
I am writing because honestly, I’m really struggling here in NY and I was hoping you might have a little perspective you can offer.
Basically, it so loud and crowded and dirty and ugly here, I feel overwhelmed and super uncomfortable. It seems almost like animal living here. For me, just going outside is a struggle — I am skidish, easily angered, disoriented, etc. Inside is not much better…And it’s not like I can be a shut in (though the thought, and many other crazy ones, have crossed my mind).
Believe me, I know, in large part, it’s me — other folks seem to have fine lives here. I know it’s my standards and sensitivities and determinations of what is acceptable that are screwing me, but it’s not enough. I am trying make the most of this for my Dharma practice–no shortage of suffering contemplations–but it’s a double edged sword, sometimes I feel so worked-up I can’t even think, it’s almost like life here slips into base survival mode much of the time. I really don’t know how else to say it, but it’s the most animal like human place I have ever been.
Im also trying to put on a good face, but it’s having side effects I can’t quite hide. I have busted up my teeth from clenching, I’m running to the bathroom constantly for my stomach, hives I suspect are stressed related, even just trouble carrying a casual conversation because I can’t focus. It feels more than emotional, it’s my biological stress responses in overdrive.
Obviously I am trying to manage the practical stuff (it’s not like I have a ‘just let shit happen without trying to solve it’ personality), I went to the dentist for a night guard, I see the dermatologist on Fri. I’m looking for a cabin rental outside the city to get away or at least some areas in the city that aren’t so hard on me…
I am honestly so embarrassed to be so sensitive and to struggle like this. I want to just suck it up l, live here like a normal person, and accept the consequences of my choices…But that’s not really working so well and I don’t quite know what to do. (MODERN DAY ALANA INTERJECTION — what this line really means is I was embarrassed that my feelings proved I am not a ‘good Buddhist’ because good Buddhists have perfect equanimity and just suck it up. Which is Alana’s 2 favorite wrong views all rolled-up: 1) I know what good is, my definition is true and my goal is simply to fulfill my definition and be a steady state, perfect good all the time and; 2) if perfect enlightenment brings equanimity then in order to be deserving of that enlightenment I must already possess equanimity, which is a vicious and crazy circle of mistaking the cause and the effect.)
Frankly, I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. Maybe the answer is, ” Alana, silly girl, did you miss the whole life entails suffering thing from Buddhism 101?” But if you have any other thoughts I sure would appreciate hearing them.
Thank you so so much and Happy New Year!
Alana
Neecha’s Reply to Alana
Alana,
Despite both SF and NY being two big cities in the USA, the culture and people are quite different. For you to not have a reaction to the change would be quite odd. Relocation is big deal for anyone, let alone dhamma practitioners who tend to prefer peaceful and quiet environments. You have to give yourself time to adjust. Keep in mind that you’re not alone in the big city. You have Eric. And if he is happy with his new job and new life, you have to try your best to support him and not burden him. If he is unhappy, you can always make a change.
For me, feeling trapped often induces migraines and sleepless nights (and teeth clenching, in your case). I feel trapped when I can’t see a way out, or I am sure the situation can only stay the same or get worse. However, if I’m being fair, It isn’t only Option A (what I want) or Option B (what I don’t want) that occurs, but quite often, Option C pops up. Option C is the unexpected curve ball that makes all my stressing pointless.
For instance, if I’m stressing because I don’t want to discuss a loan with a family friend at an upcoming dinner, I am stressing because I want them to solve their problem on their own without burdening me (Option A), and don’t want them to ask me for money because that’s how relationships sour (Option B). But after losing sleep for a week, contemplating the many ways I can say no without hurting the relationship, or coming up with ways to lend the money with the least harm, we end up going to dinner. And at the dinner, my family friend is excited, because he just found out that the money he needed, and more, was provided by a family member who died and left an inheritance. That’s Option C.
The more I started noticing Option C, the more I was able to stop and ask myself, “….or what if something unexpected happens? Maybe my best option is wait and see.”
An example where I put this into action: I was unhappy with tenants in a rental. Rent didn’t cover my mortgage and property tax expenses, I couldn’t refinance, and I wanted to sell (so refinancing wouldn’t even be smart).
The way I saw it, my options were: raise the rent astronomically, and the tenants would give notice and leave (yee-haw!) or they’d stay and destroy the place (they were vindictive). Or I could do a tenant buyout and sell the place, but I didn’t want to give those bastards a penny if I didn’t have to). But even if they vacated the property, I wouldn’t gain much or at all from selling in that housing market.
So, drawing from past experience, I decided to wait for impermanence to rear its head. I didn’t sit still, though. I raised the rent $500+ per year, and eventually my universe was in perfect harmony… the tenants couldn’t afford the rent, so they sought out cheaper housing, and most importantly, it was a seller’s market!
Other instances where waiting decided things for me, solely within the “i hate this tenant, and I don’t want to pay them to leave” category: tenants getting married and moving out, tenants being fired and relocating, tenants failing school and moving home, tenants having children and needing bigger space, tenants moving to live with a new partner, you get the picture. I’ve also lost good tenants because of those same reasons.
Basically, it all comes down to impermanence. Surprise! The more I could see impermanence in tangible form and intangible form, the more I realized that everything has its expiration date – whether it’s a situation I don’t want to change, or a situation I want to change NOW, it will change when it is time. Nothing stays the same forever.
So when I’m faced with an undesirable situation, like cats in heat whining and moaning outside my window all damed day, or a desirable situation like the companionship I share with my mom, I remind myself that, like it or not, it will end. It won’t last forever. The situation will die from me, or I will die from it.
Impermanence, impermanence, impermanence.
Death, death, death.
My mom directs me to focus on these two topics with every breath I take, with every problem I face. And now, I’d like to suggest this timeless cure for your NYC ailment.